Six-Word Memoir:
* Bank and CVS trip with Carole
Five Things:
* Ride (bank & CVS) with Carole
* Taco Bell drive-thru
* Klinefeldt postponed post-cataract appointment
* Asked Carole for ride to Cruz Friday (I'll take Lyft cab home)
* Logisticare words "You're running low on courtesy trips"
Today's Haiku;
i sit and i sit
waiting for life to blow by
maybe i should stand
~MC
I ordered my book, The Mindful Way Through Depression, from Amazon on Sunday, so I can't really expect it yet, or the 8-week guidebook that pertains to it, which I also ordered. We are reading it for group therapy. I can read the first chapter and jot notes online though, on Kindle. I bought both books used because they were cheaper. that way, and because they were cheaper I allowed myself to get both.
Getting both would have basically covered the price of one new book.
Happiness -I'm sure it's buried within here somewhere, somewhere under this mess, this abomination, this embarrassment, this sadness. What exactly is happiness? Is it always at least possible? Or is it just a facade?
I am so looking forward to having dinner with Bob and Liz on May 5th, Bob's birthday, but how can I stay "enjoyed" (not a word, but that just may happen a lot in here) until then? I try to create events I can smile at, which is so hard in life now with no money, undriveable car, people to hang out with. Sometimes enjoyable events pop in, but just as quickly they pop out. They help me smile and enjoy life but is there more to True Happiness? Maybe I have the idea of happiness wrong. And if trying to define happiness troubles me, why try? Frankly I don't believe happiness gives people a headache, true happiness soothes the being. It's not thinking work, it's a feeling, a now, an inside job.
This morning I went to the bank and CVS with Carole, she was kind to take me. I would have liked to sit at Coneys with her afterwards and enjoy a sandwich, a bite to eat, and just sit and chat, but she had to work tonight and wash clothes before hand. I had her drive me to Taco Bell instead. I had a Taco Burrito (a new item they have), bean chalupa, and beans and cheese. Yummy food. I like Yummy Food. Eating yumminess brings me into the now, all else fades and disappears.
There is no energy in my condo, no pop, no pizazz. I wish I could breathe in the air, the space, the chi, the life force.
I'm broken -I feel I am. I often call myself "God's Garbage", "The Mess". So wrong. I wish I could express the best in me. How can I do that? Well, I should say, just be you, just give all the best that you can give, and don't judge yourself, and give what you can to put a smile on your face and others. I would think if you help others be happy, you'll see that happiness IS, it exists and you'll be happy too.
I sit and sit and sit and my mind goes numb. My life has grown flat, empty, void.
OK, so maybe I have to start small. Sure, I would like to imagine myself earning everything I want right away, right now. Turn myself right around 100% automatically. What parts can I turn about automatically?
Everyday clean a part of my condo, invite good energy in.
Every day go for a walk.
The list continues...
So I sat around today, surrounded by my mess and the broken TV.
I enjoyed listen to Dougall Fraser on last night's Coast to Coast archives, and I followed that up by listening to him on YouTube. He's interesting. He speaks about the energy of color (I once wrote a term paper, in 12th grade, back in '82, about this, didn't get a good grade, Wright probably didn't like my "before its time" aspects, maybe I was before my time!)
I was looking forward to going to my cataract Post-Op exam this morning, for the hot chocolate, but my doc had to pass and postpone it. I'll go May 9th.
I called LogistiCare to schedule a ride to my counseling appointment Friday. They said they're running out of courtesy rides for me though, so I'm hoping Carole will drive me, I'll pay $8 for a Lynch cab ride home. I'm using my courtesy ride for Monday's group therapy. I'll be using Lynch Cab for art therapy rides. Hopefully my medical necessity form will go through soon.
I want to be able to breathe in here. Really breathe, no dirt, no dust, no filth. Truly, this place could be great -a meditation area, an art area, a reading area, writing area, an exercise area. It can be so, so much, much, much better. Why do I sit back and accept this filth? I make it! Why can't I create what I want to experience? Looking back I can see I never did that because if I never put in my energies, I could never lose. I could always claim "I could have done it, if I wanted to" Regardless of what it was about. Why I feel bad? Fib to yourself and stay feeling great! Then, here again, I'd have to ask what is True Happiness? I've lied to myself so I could believe I had it, but this would be wrong.
A nun asked me once if God was love. I had to say no. I'd rethink that now (but because I'd have to rethink it, I'd still say no. God cannot be defined, there is no label for him. He is wordless, nameless. God is more than love. And, unfortunately, that's why I yell and scream at Him so much. Dear God, if you're truly truly there why can't you help me? Why can't you add something truly great to my life, something beautiful, something magnificent. But by saying this my thoughts say "I gave you you! You are great, beautiful, magnificent!"
I can sit here all my life and say affirming stuff to myself, but I still sit, what Improvement has it led to? It's just my monkey chatter!
I want to make more happy memories in my life. If I have those I can look back and say "Yes, there is such a thing as happiness, I HAVE felt it, I have experienced it!" I can look back, sit in the rocking chair and smile. Smile about sitting back and smiling someday. I can't judge somebody I haven't met yet, but have to ask, would she truly be happy? Just sitting on remembering? Truthfully, unless she has a lot of pills and painkillers in her, I can't say yes because that's what I find myself doing a lot now, and no I am not happy. But then again, my psych doesn't feel like an old lady and then again, ...does she?
Am I happy? No
What can make me happy? No, let's change that. How can I open myself to experiencing, sharing, learning, creating happiness?
As these weeks go on, I will learn...
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